Stand up to Bullies

22 Sep Stand up to Bullies

Posted at 18:00h in Blog, Just One Thing by

Do you see a bully?

The Practice:
Stand up to bullies.

Why?

Humans are profoundly social. Woven through the tapestry of our relationships are several major threads. One of these is power. The only question is, do we use it for good or ill?

The abuse of power can be called many things, including intimidation, fraud, discrimination, and tyranny. I’ll use a down-to-earth term: bullying.

Bullies are, unfortunately, common. Throughout history and right now today, from homes and schoolyards to the halls of power, they create a vast amount of human suffering. What can we do?

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How?

In this short space, I’ll offer some summary suggestions. You can help them be concrete by applying them to bullies you’ve experienced or observed.

Recognize Bullies

Bullies are:

  • Dominating – Have to be the “alpha”; look for targets who seem weaker; no compassion
  • Defensive – Never wrong; scorn others; avoid responsibility
  • Deceptive – Manipulate grievances to gain support; cheat; hide the truth since their power is based on lies

Beware of innocence or naivete that just can’t believe another person or group would act that way. As Maya Angelou put it: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

Recognize Enablers

People and organizations can sometimes tolerate or even value bullies, such as cheering on a bully who is hurting someone they look down on. This enabling takes different forms, including pretending that all is normal or claiming falsely that “both sides do it.” From playgrounds to parliaments, people with an authoritarian personality style have an affinity for bullying leaders and form the core of their supporters.

Protect Yourself

Sometimes you are stuck with a bully, at least for a while. Be careful. Weigh your options and do what’s best for you.

Have Compassion

Deep down, the mind of a bully is like a hell realm of fended-off feelings of weakness and shame, always threatening to invade. Lots of suffering there. Compassion for a bully is not approval. It can be calming and strengthening for you.

And, of course, the targets of bullies deserve our care. Even if you can do nothing to help them, your compassion is still authentic; it matters to you, and it may matter to others in ways you’ll never know.

Name It

Tell the truth to yourself. Tell it to others.

And, if appropriate, tell the truth to bullies and their enablers. This could be a version of that truth: “You are a bully. You cheated and lied to get your power. You act tough, but you’re actually weak and frightened. You might be able to harm me and others, but I am not afraid of you. I see what you are.”

Bullies may acquire institutional authority but never moral legitimacy. They know their power is on thin ice. Name the lying, the cheating, the weakness. Name the fakery, and name the illegitimacy.

Stand with Others

Bullies target lone individuals and vulnerable groups to display dominance and create fear. This is sometimes called “performative cruelty.” So gather allies who will stand with you if you’re being bullied. Also, ask others to stand up to bullies; sitting on the sidelines just perpetuates bullying.

And together, stand with and for those others who are bullied. It may make no material difference. But it always makes a moral and psychological difference to those who stand up – and to those they stand for.

Punish Bullying

I mean “punish” in the sense of justice, not vengeance. The act of bullying itself is rewarding to a bully, even if there’s no concrete benefit. It’s like pulling a pleasurable lever on a slot machine that sometimes delivers a jackpot: if you’re a bully, why not keep pulling?

So there must be a real cost – and in terms of what the bully cares about. Hand-wringing and expressions of concern are irrelevant to a bully. Enablers also need to pay a price. Otherwise, why would they stop?

Since bullying is common, people have developed a variety of ways to punish it. Depending on the situation, you could:

  • With moral confidence, name the bullying for what it is
  • Dispute false claims of legitimacy
  • Laugh at bullies (who are usually thin-skinned)
  • Confront lies, including denial of harm they’re doing
  • Build up sources of power to challenge the bully
  • Confront enablers; they’re complicit in bullying
  • Engage the legal system
  • Remove bullies from positions of power

See the Big Picture

Bullying is enabled and fostered by underlying conditions. For example, bullies draw power from the grievances of others, address those grievances, and reduce the bully’s power.

Bullies try to dominate our attention much like they try to dominate everything else. But there is a larger world beyond their control. It contains so many things that are working, enjoyable, beautiful, and virtuous. Disengage as much as possible from ruminating on helpless outrage, fantasies of payback, and fault-finding others “who aren’t doing enough.” Bad enough that the bully is out there in the world. Try not to let the bully invade your own mind.

Know Someone Who Could Use Help Standing Up to a Bully?

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Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, and expert on the impact of toxic narcissism. She is a Professor of Psychology at California State University, Los Angeles, and also a Visiting Professor at the University of Johannesburg.

The focus of Dr. Ramani’s clinical, academic, and consultative work is the etiology and impact of narcissism and high-conflict, entitled, antagonistic personality styles on human relationships, mental health, and societal expectations. She has spoken on these issues to clinicians, educators, and researchers around the world.

She is the author of Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship With a Narcissist, and Don't You Know Who I Am? How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. Her work has been featured at SxSW, TEDx, and on a wide range of media platforms including Red Table Talk, the Today Show, Oxygen, Investigation Discovery, and Bravo, and she is a featured expert on the digital media mental health platform MedCircle. Dr. Durvasula’s research on personality disorders has been funded by the National Institutes of Health and she is a Consulting Editor of the scientific journal Behavioral Medicine.

Dr. Stephen Porges is a Distinguished University Scientist at Indiana University, Professor of Psychiatry at the University of North Carolina, and Professor Emeritus at both the University of Illinois at Chicago and the University of Maryland. He is a former president of the Society for Psychophysiological Research and has been president of the Federation of Behavioral, Psychological, and Cognitive Sciences, which represents approximately twenty-thousand biobehavioral scientists. He’s led a number of other organizations and received a wide variety of professional awards.

In 1994 he proposed the Polyvagal Theory, a theory that links the evolution of the mammalian autonomic nervous system to social behavior and emphasizes the importance of physiological states in the expression of behavioral problems and psychiatric disorders. The theory is leading to innovative treatments based on insights into the mechanisms mediating symptoms observed in several behavioral, psychiatric, and physical disorders, and has had a major impact on the field of psychology.

Dr. Porges has published more than 300 peer-reviewed papers across a wide array of disciplines. He’s also the author of several books including The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation.

Dr. Bruce Perry is the Principal of the Neurosequential Network, Senior Fellow of The ChildTrauma Academy, and a Professor (Adjunct) in the Departments of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University in Chicago and the School of Allied Health at La Trobe University in Melbourne, Australia. From 1993 to 2001 he was the Thomas S. Trammell Research Professor of Psychiatry at Baylor College of Medicine and chief of psychiatry at Texas Children's Hospital.

He’s one of the world’s leading experts on the impact of trauma in childhood, and his work on the impact of abuse, neglect, and trauma on the developing brain has impacted clinical practice, programs, and policy across the world. His work has been instrumental in describing how traumatic events in childhood change the biology of the brain.

Dr. Perry's most recent book, What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing, co-authored with Oprah Winfrey, was released earlier this year. Dr. Perry is also the author, with Maia Szalavitz, of The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog, a bestselling book based on his work with maltreated children, and Born For Love: Why Empathy is Essential and Endangered. Additionally, he’s authored more than 300 journal articles and book chapters and has been the recipient of a variety of professional awards.

Dr. Allison Briscoe-Smith is a child clinical psychologist who specializes in trauma and issues of race. She earned her undergraduate degree from Harvard and then received her Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of California, Berkeley. She performed postdoctoral work at the University of California San Francisco/San Francisco General Hospital. She has combined her love of teaching and advocacy by serving as a professor and by directing mental health programs for children experiencing trauma, homelessness, or foster care.

Dr. Briscoe-Smith is also a senior fellow of Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center and is both a professor and the Director of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion at the Wright Institute. She provides consultation and training to nonprofits and schools on how to support trauma-informed practices and cultural accountability.

Sharon Salzberg is a world-renowned teacher and New York Times bestselling author. She is widely considered one of the most influential individuals in bringing mindfulness practices to the West, and co-founded the Insight Meditation Society in Barre, Massachusetts alongside Jack Kornfield and Joseph Goldstein. Sharon has been a student of Dipa Ma, Anagarika Munindra, and Sayadaw U Pandita alongside other masters.

Sharon has authored 10 books, and is the host of the fantastic Metta Hour podcast. She was a contributing editor of Oprah’s O Magazine, had her work featured in Time and on NPR, and contributed to panels alongside the Dalai Lama.

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